For those of you who do it, I wonder if you think the same thing as I do once I get in a comfortable position and put pen to paper. For the record, I'm talking about writing.

Writing is a lot of things for me. For me, it represents a point in my life when I was at my weakest and needed some means of escape from the canvas that I had painted black. My "suffering" wasn't so great as to warrant any need to feel sorry for me, but that still doesn't detract from the fact that to me, my own pain and depression was a bad one at the time. And yet, it was then that I recognized something of beauty in my life... kinda. It was nothing about me, but it was about writing itself. I read something, a short story of shorts, that inspired me due to how well written it was and despite it being of a subject matter that I disagreed with at the time, (it was a yaoi fanfic) I was convinced that the pairing portrayed in said writing was "right" and I felt that the person, whoever it was, conveyed that thought to me to near perfection. It was... dazzling. In any case, that was one of my first experiences with amateur writing and I've been writing myself ever since.

Now, writing is an outlet to my soul, of sorts. It servers as a medium where I can express emotions that people never expect me to have. I can act the way I do because if there is something that I want to express from the bottom of my heart, I can just take pen to paper and put it down for later use in some sort of story plot or to flesh out a character I had created previously. In any case, I think it is an effective medium.

However, in recent days, writing has also become a more or less accurate reflection upon myself. I am at a crossroads of life that leaves me somewhat confused and in the gray area of things. There are many choices before me and yet, I do not understand which one I want to pursue. It is because of this that my writing has also become somewhat muddled; ideas that stem out from my hand are now confusing and incoherent at times. I write what I think and I look upon the jumble of words that appear not knowing what to think of what I just wrote since I don't understand how I'm thinking. Too far away are the days of simplicity as with each passing year, I grow more into adulthood. And... I still desire that child-like simplicity for myself. I still pretend to not overhear thoughts and ideas that come across me that are too "mature" for someone of my age even though mentally, I have grown far above the age that I am. I am growing older by the minute, even, but there is something in me that tugs me to stop venturing forward into the mundane routine of adulthood.

What is it that I want for myself? What is it that I truly wish?

In the end, what is it that I want to write?

Until the next outburst,
R. "animefanrk2k" Kim

P.S. - While my mood may say it's "Stuck", I certainly wouldn't throw out anything that I write down. Here's a tip: everything that is written/drawn, even a failed sketch or idea, is a treasure that you have put a part of your soul into. Don't toss away something like that so carelessly because you never know when that idea/draft will flower into something more beautiful than you could have imagined.